I'm going to blog.
I'm going to blog about the tourney. the debate. trigger. work. school. school-work. mary's recent projects and course work. going to oberling soon. feelings about the elections. my crazy busy schedule that is keeping me from doing more than just saying i will blog about these things. they are all on my mind.
I woke up and the heat in my room was on.
I checked the weather and its 45 outside.
Damn. I'm not ready for winter yet.
BUT WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO CHRISTMAS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Searching for Halloween Cosutmes online and found this site. Thought it was really interesting.
http://www.uniquewear.com/
I walked home this afternoon in a light rain storm. Walking up my block I passed my old school with a huge empty yard - for it was too cold and wet for afterschool to be playing kickball and soccer outside. I always smile when i pass by the yard - i think of how many soccer games i played there, how many fights i had there, how many notes i passed there - I think of all the kids in P.S.9 afterschool and how they will one day walk past the school on their way home from Junior year of highschool, then their freshman year of college. The whole point of this nostalgia trip is, as i was walking home a young girl about 5 was dressed in a bright pink rain jacket, rain boots up to her knees, and a great big frog umbrella. She was walking with her dad. I so rarely see kids walking with their dad's that i smile no matter what; but this little girl was walking with a little skip in her step, a few infront of him. Her eyes got big and she smiled, as she truned to him and looking up asked " can i splash in the puddle?". He obviously said yes.
There was something very sweet and genuine about it. When i think of kids splashing in puddles i always accompany it with someone yelling at them in the backgroud, maybe because they will get dirty or maybe because it was 'rebellious'. The sincerity in her question made it seem that if her dad were to say no, she would not have done it. But the joy in her face when she started running, to get a good jump into the puddle was priceless. (Thats a mastercard commercial)
I love my dad. I love my dad so much it makes me sad. Mostly because i would like to spend so much more time with him than i do. But then i think i love him so much because i dont spend that much time with him. My dad has shaped so much of who i am, he gave me all of my facial expressions, verbal abuse skills, sincerity of opinions, and ability to really make good decisions - the ability to rarley second guess. Most of which he does in extremes, (hence my parents divorce) but most of which i got in moderation. My dad is really an unbelievable person. I know i thought so when i was young. and i am starting to think so again. I went through a stage where i questioned him - partly from my mom, but regardless... but maybe now it is because i can talk to him differently.
I am not sure why this is all coming up now. I am not sure why it is making me sad, and happy, and confused, and extremely nostalgic... But i have been able to talk to my dad about my life, my real life - not just what i am doing, but how i think, and feel... My dad has started telling me more reasons behind his thinking rather than just this thinking, and i love that. He has started telling me his beliefs, and his memories... I feel much closer to him now even though i am seeing him less, I am with him more. My aunt Marika, his sister, died the year before I was born. I was named after her ashley 'M', and my whole life people have said that i remined them of her, and we would have gotten along so well. I would have loved to know her. I would have loved to be a bigger part of my dads life, and i think she would have helped me do that. He used to tell me stories about what they would do, and he has just a little started telling me about her, really her. She was older than him by 5 years or so, and he blamed her for leaving him. I don't want to be bitter against loren for leaving me.
Sometimes i forget, i am so caught up in my life - school, socially, work, that i forget to add family. Becuase at home my life is on hold... but home is another part of my life with its own complications, and i have not thought about them, really, yet this year.
My father is a grandfather. He has been for about two months. Something feels wrong about calling him grandpa before loren or I have kids. But regardless, Nancy, and her family, and baby olivia have all helped him become much more calm and sweet and happy again... that i have been feeling like i would love to be little with him again, so i could remember. We used to go out on dinner dates all the time when i was young, when my mom and my brother would go out, and we havent done it in a few years. We go to dinner, but not on our dates. I do not know why i wrote this all here - just kept coming. and im sure will keep coming, but if youve made it to here, you had trust that i wouldnt write something stupid for so long, though it rambled and was personal im sure. thank you
Un dia el burro de un filosofo llamado Jauan Buridan - y por eso llamado el burro de Buridan - perece de hambre y sed. Teniendo a un lado una gran cantidad de avena y al otro un cubo de agua, el burro nunca puede saber si tiene sed o hambre. El burro no sabe que decidir: si comer o beber. En esta horrible vacilacion le sorprende la muerte.
trying to learn spanish.
Getting a less than acceptable grade in ms. adelmans class. talked to my grandma and she got me a book of short stories, vocab, and questions. that was one. i understood it. feeling confident when learning a language is of such great importance. If you know you are going to get the grammer wrong whenever you speak, chances are you won't. Why are we taught foriegn lanuages so poorly. Either not at all, or to a level we have not yet reached.
bush and kerry look like they are wearing the same thing. thats funny.
9:50 - IM DONE. zoned out, cant concentrate, saying the same thing over and over and over and over again.
dissapointing.
my newest away message.
if life turns into shit (can i use that word on my school blog ((sorry lehmann)))
I'm going to be a pig to be happy in it.
I have been giving a gift. I tried yesterday to name the top 5 worst days of my life and i couldnt think of any. I know i have had bad days, bad moments, divorces, deaths, seperations, good-byes. But none of them stuck as specific days.
I am writing this because i am proud of myself. It doesnt happen to people that often that they can really be proud of themselves, and it made me feel good. I would love to help other people deal with things well, because people really help me. And! ill be online tonight during the debate! Finally!
had a great urge to blog. i need a good amount of time to sit and flesh out all my debate ideas - but that will come soon to help me write an analysis for Abrams. So for now can we just talk about how some people make you sad. and some people make you smile the biggest smiles ever. I am surrounded by wonderful people, and have decided my life is my safety net. i have just had one of the worst days ever... not even for obvious reasons, but for some personal events that cant be discussed, and without knowing what was wrong, because it didnt matter people made me happy. so jessie - i cant stand mean people either, but they are certainly out weighed by those of us who are nice!
(Wrote a declaration of independence for Mary. Thought it was a really interesting project. Wanted to post it just for the message - i think it says what a lot of us have been trying to say for a while now. We just didnt have an outlet)
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for me to dissolve any connection I have to a group of oppressors, it is with a decent respect to the opinions of mankind that I offer the causes that impel me to separate.
I believe with my whole heart that the greatest human gift is that of happiness. I believe with my whole heart, and with firm justice that this gift is something we must give to others to obtain ourselves. The beauty of people, who wear their ‘smiles on their sleeves,’ is that they become contagious. Joy, laughter, and the ability to appreciate are infectious. The people with these characteristics are imperative to our society. Their potential is to change the world. Changing the moods of people, and changing the vibe of the world.
Whether it is from insecurities, narrow-mindedness, or lack of humor, negative attitudes come from; they must no longer have an effect on those people working towards a happier world. I work endlessly, from belief that with every smile and laugh you give off you can make someone have a better day. When bad vibes and unnecessary attitudes question this belief it brings down the character of those who are trying to raise the moral of the world.
It is the natural right of human beings to laugh and to smile. In no circumstance can this be taken away. Life is lived to pursue happiness and if anyone is stripped of this right it is inhumane. It should be judged as wrong in every court of the world for someone of good nature and warm, fun-loving actions to be influenced by another’s bitter moods.
I declare that I will no longer, that no one should any longer feel the oppression of other people’s bad moods. I declare myself free from negativity, attitudes, and hypocrisy. I declare this based on my rights. Based on my most natural human rights to live to the fullest of my potential. To live life with the pursuit of happiness unaltered, with no obstacles in the way. Negativity has a clear line of destruction, and my grievances are concrete.
Negativity has the ability to make me question myself.
Make me insecure about my joy.
Make me frustrated, and unsure.
Hypocrisy has the ability to make me angry.
Make me insecure about my decisions.
Make me frustrated, and unsure.
Attitude has the ability to make me disgusted,
Make me insecure about positivism.
Makes me frustrated, and unsure.
For questioning what I have to be happy about.
For questioning what I hope to rub off on people.
For rubbing off on me.
For making me look stupid.
For making me look naïve.
For being intractable.
For having the basic ability to make me question all I hope to be.
I am oppressed.
In every stage of these oppressions I have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms; my repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. Multiple times questions of why there is negativity have been asked. All responses have been blank - hollow. Responses have been negative, or non-existent.
It is debilitating to think even the happiest people in the world are able to feel badly about themselves. It is unjust and unfair. People must be incorporated to work as a whole, instead of working, knowing you must overcome a petty attitude. We might have been a great people together but a communication of grandeur and of freedom it seems below their dignity. Communication has proved to be shallow.
Their power is great enough to not be ignored. No movement of small requests can stand against the negative opposition. No small requests will achieve any great goal. A declaration is the only way. A declaration of independence from these forces. A declaration of independence against negativity. A declaration freeing myself, and all those who want to pursue a life of altruism from the opposition of those less secure.
The road to happiness and to glory is open to all of us too; we will climb it apart from them, and acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our eternal separation. It is with an unequivocal statement that I finally declare my severance from all those who bring upon bad attitudes to those who are happy. I declare it is everyone’s right to life happily, and to never feel insecure about a smile on his or her face.
My declaration is a purification. It is a whitening. Negativity is plaque on a smile and it needs to be brushed away.
"You look at where you're going and where you are and it never makes sense, but then you look back at where you've been and a pattern seems to emerge. And if you project foward from that pattern, then sometimes you can come up with something" - Zen and the Art
" only within yourself exsits that other reality for which you long. I can give you nothing that has not already its being within yourself. I can throw open to you no picture gallery but your own soul. All i can give you is the opportunity, the impulse, the key. I can help you make your own world visible. That is all" Hermann Hesse