I walked home this afternoon in a light rain storm. Walking up my block I passed my old school with a huge empty yard - for it was too cold and wet for afterschool to be playing kickball and soccer outside. I always smile when i pass by the yard - i think of how many soccer games i played there, how many fights i had there, how many notes i passed there - I think of all the kids in P.S.9 afterschool and how they will one day walk past the school on their way home from Junior year of highschool, then their freshman year of college. The whole point of this nostalgia trip is, as i was walking home a young girl about 5 was dressed in a bright pink rain jacket, rain boots up to her knees, and a great big frog umbrella. She was walking with her dad. I so rarely see kids walking with their dad's that i smile no matter what; but this little girl was walking with a little skip in her step, a few infront of him. Her eyes got big and she smiled, as she truned to him and looking up asked " can i splash in the puddle?". He obviously said yes.
There was something very sweet and genuine about it. When i think of kids splashing in puddles i always accompany it with someone yelling at them in the backgroud, maybe because they will get dirty or maybe because it was 'rebellious'. The sincerity in her question made it seem that if her dad were to say no, she would not have done it. But the joy in her face when she started running, to get a good jump into the puddle was priceless. (Thats a mastercard commercial)
I love my dad. I love my dad so much it makes me sad. Mostly because i would like to spend so much more time with him than i do. But then i think i love him so much because i dont spend that much time with him. My dad has shaped so much of who i am, he gave me all of my facial expressions, verbal abuse skills, sincerity of opinions, and ability to really make good decisions - the ability to rarley second guess. Most of which he does in extremes, (hence my parents divorce) but most of which i got in moderation. My dad is really an unbelievable person. I know i thought so when i was young. and i am starting to think so again. I went through a stage where i questioned him - partly from my mom, but regardless... but maybe now it is because i can talk to him differently.
I am not sure why this is all coming up now. I am not sure why it is making me sad, and happy, and confused, and extremely nostalgic... But i have been able to talk to my dad about my life, my real life - not just what i am doing, but how i think, and feel... My dad has started telling me more reasons behind his thinking rather than just this thinking, and i love that. He has started telling me his beliefs, and his memories... I feel much closer to him now even though i am seeing him less, I am with him more. My aunt Marika, his sister, died the year before I was born. I was named after her ashley 'M', and my whole life people have said that i remined them of her, and we would have gotten along so well. I would have loved to know her. I would have loved to be a bigger part of my dads life, and i think she would have helped me do that. He used to tell me stories about what they would do, and he has just a little started telling me about her, really her. She was older than him by 5 years or so, and he blamed her for leaving him. I don't want to be bitter against loren for leaving me.
Sometimes i forget, i am so caught up in my life - school, socially, work, that i forget to add family. Becuase at home my life is on hold... but home is another part of my life with its own complications, and i have not thought about them, really, yet this year.
My father is a grandfather. He has been for about two months. Something feels wrong about calling him grandpa before loren or I have kids. But regardless, Nancy, and her family, and baby olivia have all helped him become much more calm and sweet and happy again... that i have been feeling like i would love to be little with him again, so i could remember. We used to go out on dinner dates all the time when i was young, when my mom and my brother would go out, and we havent done it in a few years. We go to dinner, but not on our dates. I do not know why i wrote this all here - just kept coming. and im sure will keep coming, but if youve made it to here, you had trust that i wouldnt write something stupid for so long, though it rambled and was personal im sure. thank you
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good times standing on my corner for half an hour getting soaked.
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